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Cause - Wistful longing for the 1970s.
Symptoms - Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up.
Cure - The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish.
Cause - Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood.
Symptoms - Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities.
Cure - The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly.
Cause - Telling lies and making up stories to be popular.
Symptoms - Shiny-headedness and embarrassment.
Cure - Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using a painful machine.
Cause - Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater.
Symptoms - Very uncomfortable for the sufferer.
Cure - The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine.
Cause - Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient.
Symptoms - Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos.
Cure - Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath.
Cause - Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal.
Symptoms - Upsetting the people directly behind the patient.
Cure - A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy.
Cause - Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient.
Symptoms - Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in.
Cure - A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy.
Cause - Driving over traffic calming measures in road.
Symptoms - Footwear does not fit snugly.
Cure - A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles.
Cause - Tiny insects with sharp teeth.
Symptoms - Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation.
Cure - Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching.
Cause - Patient usually subject of practical joke.
Symptoms - Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing.
Cure - Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem.
Cause - Falling off high things onto concrete.
Symptoms - Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs.
Cure - The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine.
Cause - Spicy Mexican or Indian food.
Symptoms - Hlf-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters.
Cure - Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected.
Cause - Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls.
Symptoms - Delirium and advanced shame.
Cure - These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons.
Cause - Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture.
Symptoms - No cough but no stomach-wall lining either.
Cure - A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum.
Cause - Prolonged exposure to the moon.
Symptoms - Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell.
Cure - An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores.
Cause - Standing around by water coolers.
Symptoms - Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles.
Cure - A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside.
Cause - Classic situation comedy.
Symptoms - Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases.
Cure - A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is.
Cause - Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ants.
Symptoms - Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families.
Cure - A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability.
Cause - Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains.
Symptoms - Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater.
Cure - Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre.
Cause - Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise.
Symptoms - Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot.
Cure - The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit.
Cause - Crunching up ice cubes in drinks.
Symptoms - Pain and frequent trips to the toilet.
Cure - Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney.
Cause - The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over
Symptoms - Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers.
Cure - A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks.
Cause - Power cuts in urban areas.
Symptoms - Faddish eating with consequent beer gut.
Cure - Baby is removed in Operating Theatre, washed and presented to patient.
Cause - Bungee jumping in cold weather.
Symptoms - Inability to sit down in comfort.
Cure - Two qualified Surgeons must removed the nodules using steady hands.
Cause - Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum.
Symptoms - Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell.
Cure - The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly.
Cause - Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas.
Symptoms - Tongue swells to five times its original length.
Cure - The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully.
Cause - Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth.
Symptoms - Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere.
Cure - A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse.
Cause - Sitting on cold stone floors.
Symptoms - Unpleasant feeling of chestiness.
Cure - These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag.
Cause - Fear of job interviews.
Symptoms - Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge.
Cure - A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease.
Cause - Eating pizza found under the cooker.
Symptoms - Ugh. Surely you can guess.
Cure - A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards.
Cause - Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots.
Symptoms - Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible.
Cure - A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease.
Cause - Daytime television.
Symptoms - Delusions of being able to present a cookery show.
Cure - A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio.
Cause - Small particles of snot in the air.
Symptoms - Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs.
Cure - A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this.
Cause - Anything unexpected.
Symptom - Swelling.
Cure - The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons.